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"Sheath my aching heart in ice"
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I haven’t blogged in a while. I have not exactly been avoiding it, but I know that if I write, I will feel, and I’ve been trying hard not to do too much of that lately. I left my home, my family, my children in early November. Although I called the very next week to try to work out an arrangement to see the children, on some kind of visitation, I have not been allowed to see them yet. There are promises made, as soon as they move I will be allowed to see them, it’s not a good time right now maybe later, etc. But I am becoming more and more convinced that it will not happen. For the first three months the man whom I had called brother for years, lied to both me and her about the conversations we had in an attempt to keep me from being able to see my children. When I finally threatened to pursue legal action she called me and has been promising ever since to allow me to see them as soon as they move. Unfortunately that move date has been moved back over and over again.
I miss my kids. I miss them so much it brings me almost to tears at random points throughout my day. Anything can trigger them, a song, a laugh, seeing a father with his daughter at the store, a random comment by a friend…anything. I do not let the tears come. I will not permit myself to break down at work. I cannot let go enough around friends. And when I am alone, I am cold…dead inside. I do what I enjoy so I do not think about the emptiness I feel where my children should be. I try not to think about how much I miss them and how much it hurts to be actively kept from them by those who should be caring about them above all else.
And they accuse me of not thinking about the children first. They think that by not allowing me to see them that they are protecting them. That my being in their lives at all would be too traumatic for them. And my being gone, them feeling like I abandoned them is better!?! Sadly I think she actually believes it. I truly think that she believes what she says. So I have a difficult time fighting that. As for him, he is trying to get revenge for my taking away his ability to disappear. I took away his cushy existence and he’s angry.
So each day passes and I try a little harder not to feel any more…it’s taking its toll. I have no energy, I am tired all the time even after a full night’s sleep. My dreams are plagued with thoughts and images of my children and the bad things that could happen, both in reality and in terrible fantasy. I cannot focus, I cannot concentrate on anything. All of my will is being directed into making sure I cannot feel, making sure I can continue to function every day.
Sadly, I know where this is going. I know where those emotions are, and it’s not a happy place. I know what will happen if they ever escape my control. And I fight every day to make sure that day does not come.
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42 days ago
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Me and Salvatore - a short...Medium...LONG story. (Part IV)
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Gathering up my bags I went to go stand in the back of the line, while inside I was kicking myself. I thought that in my hubris, thinking that I would get him to sign all of my books if I was last in line and didn’t hold up anyone else, I was going to miss my opportunity to get any of them signed. It was nearing 6:00 and the end of the signing and I had just made it in the door, when a helpful customer service representative came up to me and asked me if I wanted Salvatore to sign anything special in my book or just his name. Slightly confused I asked her what she meant. To which she responded that it was faster if she gave me a post-it note with what I wanted signed on it so that he could just pick up the book and begin signing without having to ask first. Numbly I responded, “ummmm, Jeff?” With a smile she wrote Jeff on a sticky note and stuck it to the book that I was holding (and still reading by the way as I stood in line). As she turned away to the next person who had entered the line behind me she did a double take, noticing that I was already close to halfway done with the book. “Wow,” she said, “You’re going to be finished before you get up there!” I just chuckled and said “I like to read”. Seeing her friendly expression I dared to ask the dreaded question…”So do you think we’ll make it to the front in time?”…and held my breath. “Oh yeah, he arrived a little late and he’s not going to just up and leave with people still standing here” My sigh of relief must have been audible to the entire store. With a smile she moved on and I went back to my book. After another ten minutes in line I realized my back was hurting again and with the comfort of knowing I would not be forgotten, that I would at least get my new book signed I stepped out of line and sat back down.
Keeping a close watch on the line I waited until only a half dozen or so people were left in line then got up and walked back over. Three people from the front, two more moved behind me in line. I graciously stepped back and allowed the newcomers to move ahead of me in the line. The helpful customer service representative looked at me quizzically. I just smiled and told her, “I wanted to see if he would sign my entire collection so I wanted to be last so I didn’t hold anyone up.” Again she looked at me quizzically “How many books do you have?” With a grin I opened my new book up to the page that lists all of the other books in the series. “I have the whole collection”. Eyes widening in amazement she glanced down at my backpacks. “Wow” was all she was able to say. With another grin I went back into my book. The next thing I knew it was my turn. Walking up to the counter I handed him my now half finished copy of The Orc King. As he opened it to sign I began the short speech I had been rehearsing in my head all day long. “Thank you, I have been a huge fan for over 15 years now and I was wondering if I could beg the indulgence of your signature on the rest of my collection?” I almost jumped for joy at his open and friendly expression. “Sure!” he replied, pull them out! So I began pulling out books two and three at a time and setting them on the table. As Salvatore begins signing madly a lady standing next to him said “Bob, just your signature, we’ve still got a plane to catch”. I just grinned madly, ecstatic that he was willing to sign all of my books. As I finished off the first bag setting them all on the table he exclaimed “Wow, is that a bag of holding you’ve got?” I just grinned again, “It feels that way sometimes”. Emptying out my other bag I began putting the signed books back into my first bag. I notice that she is becoming slightly agitated as he continues to sign away. Finally he finishes the last book and as I am putting it in my bag he extends his hand. Shaking it with a grin I thank him over and over for the signatures. He just smiles
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228 days ago
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Me and Salvatore - a short...Medium...LONG story. (Part III)
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Racing back across the street to the Borders I go straight to their fiction section and look down to see if they had the two books I was looking for. The shelf was empty. WHAT!?! That's right, the entire shelf of hardback Salvatore books was completely empty. In a panic I approached the first helpful, friendly customer service representative that I could see. “All of the hardback Salvatore books are missing” I informed her with an impressive amount of calm for my panicked state. “Really?” She inquired. “Yup,” I responded eloquently, “They were there when I was here an hour ago and now they're missing.” “Really?” she asks again intelligently. Resisting the urge to brain her with the handy seven book compilation novel by (get this) Asprin, I responded “Yeah, come look,” at which point she followed me to fiction and stared at the completely empty shelf, just like I did. “Wow, let me ask...oh there she is!” the helpful representative responded, pointing to a woman with a dolly piled high with books. Now when I say piled high, I mean it was a standard two wheeled dolly stacked about five and a half feet high with nothing but R.A. Salvatore hardback books. Huzzah! But wait!!!! The only book in that stack that I wanted was the brand new one! It can't be!!!!! I politely inform the representative of this and she takes to the computer. The results are in! They do not have a copy of the first book in stock, “No problem I just picked it up from Half-Price”, the second book does exist but it's at the warehouse not in the stores, but I can have it shipped to me. “Great, let's do that” So we set up the purchase and shipping of the second book, which of course will not arrive in time for the signing, and for the next ten minutes she searches the computer for the third book. No joy...blast. Apparently it's not out yet in hardback. It's a re-release of the original paperback and the release date has not yet been sent. But I at least have the second one on order. Thanking the woman kindly I pick up a copy of the brand new book with its 30% off sticker and head for the checkout isle. At least that book I'll get for a discount. As I approach the checkout counter my eyes are drawn by a small display with the picture of Drizzt on it. Looking I see that it is a promotional item. A figurine of Guenhwyvar, which is Drizzt's magical panther friend, whom he summons through a small figurine. The advertisement said “Only $1.00 with the purchase of The Orc King, which was the name of the new book. SWEET! I just so happened to have a copy of that book in my hand! So I grabbed a figurine and went to check out. Everything was going smoothly, I had my new book, a cool figurine, it was 3:20 so I still had 40 minutes till the book signing, which was plenty of time, everything was good...until...the checker couldn't figure out how to ring up the figurine. It didn't have a bar code, the numbers she was looking at didn't work in the machine and she was not able to just ring it up as a $1.00 miscellaneous purchase. Don't ask me why.
25 minutes, three checkers and two managers later they finally figure out how to ring up the bloody thing and I am on my way. Now just because I was wishing for twin 50 caliber turret mounted anti-aircraft guns to spring out of my car was in no way connected to the slightly less than legal driving techniques I employed to reach Ft. Lewis. Also my level of profanity which quickly approached sailor level, had nothing to do with the terrible snarl of traffic I encountered heading into Ft. Lewis. At five minutes after four I finally pulled into the PX. Pulled out my two full book bags of books and headed for the store. As I approached the store I could see a line stretching out of the front doors and around the side of the building. With a sinking heart I approached the line and asked “Salvatore?” Seeing the many nods of agreement and completely dishear
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230 days ago
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