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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
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Last Sunday was one of the best and hardest days I’ve had in the last few months. I was finally able, for the first time in six months, able to see the children. After having been put off for month after month after month I was finally allowed to see Wilona and Thorn. I had already talked to Donna about when I would be allowed to see them and asked if I could bring a game for us to play. So, before I went over I stopped by Toy’s R Us and picked up Kerplunk. As I was driving over to their house I called to let Donna know I was coming over. This was at about 11:00 in the morning. When I called however, she told me that Wilona wasn’t awake yet. Now I had been given a window of 10-3 where I could visit. Knowing that Wilona often slept in I waited until 11 so that she would be awake, she wasn’t. I asked Donna what she wanted to do, since we did have such a limited window to work with. (This limited window was because that was the time that Brian would be out of the house. Donna doesn’t want to put up with the tissy fit that he would throw if I were there at the same time he was.) Donna finally said she would wake Wilona up and I continued to drive over.
I arrived at the address she gave me only to find a lavishly planted yard, and a nice little house, with all of the gates locked…with padlocks. Walking around the house I tried to find a way in the yard when a woman I did not recognize came out and asked if she could help me. I replied with who I was looking for and the lady thought I had the wrong Maple Street, and that I should have gone to the one in Lakewood. So I called Donna back and discovered that she had given me the wrong address, (it was 8315 not 8515). So I drove back down the street and found the house.
I immediately knew I was at the right house because of the junk in the driveway, old broken furniture specifically. As I exited my car and walked up to the front door I saw in the entry way to the door all of Donna’s tools and various bits of wood piled beside the door giving further indication I was in the right place.
I went up and knocked on the door, almost literally with my heart in my hands, though I remained outwardly calm and composed. Donna answered the door and I walked in to see Wilona sitting on the coffee table eating a plastic container full of cereal and Thorn sitting on the couch watching Animal Planet. Thorn looked over and appeared a bit stunned but Wilona continued to watch TV. Donna said that she was still eating as I walked up beside her. When she looked over at me, she too looked surprised but immediately turned to give me a hug. She then jumped up and told me that she had a new room and asked if I wanted to see, as she started running down the hall. I of course followed and looked around her room with her as she showed me all of her things, and went on about how it was all purple and she likes purple. So we oohed and ahhed her new room for a bit and she briefly took me over to see Thorn’s room, complaining that it was messy (which it was) and then yelling at Thorn to clean up his room.
We went back into the living room then and she climbed back up on the coffee table to continue eating. We talked a little bit as the kids watched TV and she ate breakfast. She told me a little about their new house and how they left their old house. I told her that I had a new house too and pointed in the direction of where it was. She then said that I wasn’t in her family any more, so I reaffirmed to her that I was still her daddy and still loved her. For the rest of my time there she seemed to have a difficult time transitioning my statement that I was still her daddy, with the fact that she had another daddy and Thorn called me Jeff not daddy. So sometimes she would call me daddy and sometimes she would call me Jeff. I corrected it once, but dropped it after that, realizing how difficult it must be for her to understand how complex it was.
She then sai
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61 days ago
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"Sheath my aching heart in ice"
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I haven’t blogged in a while. I have not exactly been avoiding it, but I know that if I write, I will feel, and I’ve been trying hard not to do too much of that lately. I left my home, my family, my children in early November. Although I called the very next week to try to work out an arrangement to see the children, on some kind of visitation, I have not been allowed to see them yet. There are promises made, as soon as they move I will be allowed to see them, it’s not a good time right now maybe later, etc. But I am becoming more and more convinced that it will not happen. For the first three months the man whom I had called brother for years, lied to both me and her about the conversations we had in an attempt to keep me from being able to see my children. When I finally threatened to pursue legal action she called me and has been promising ever since to allow me to see them as soon as they move. Unfortunately that move date has been moved back over and over again.
I miss my kids. I miss them so much it brings me almost to tears at random points throughout my day. Anything can trigger them, a song, a laugh, seeing a father with his daughter at the store, a random comment by a friend…anything. I do not let the tears come. I will not permit myself to break down at work. I cannot let go enough around friends. And when I am alone, I am cold…dead inside. I do what I enjoy so I do not think about the emptiness I feel where my children should be. I try not to think about how much I miss them and how much it hurts to be actively kept from them by those who should be caring about them above all else.
And they accuse me of not thinking about the children first. They think that by not allowing me to see them that they are protecting them. That my being in their lives at all would be too traumatic for them. And my being gone, them feeling like I abandoned them is better!?! Sadly I think she actually believes it. I truly think that she believes what she says. So I have a difficult time fighting that. As for him, he is trying to get revenge for my taking away his ability to disappear. I took away his cushy existence and he’s angry.
So each day passes and I try a little harder not to feel any more…it’s taking its toll. I have no energy, I am tired all the time even after a full night’s sleep. My dreams are plagued with thoughts and images of my children and the bad things that could happen, both in reality and in terrible fantasy. I cannot focus, I cannot concentrate on anything. All of my will is being directed into making sure I cannot feel, making sure I can continue to function every day.
Sadly, I know where this is going. I know where those emotions are, and it’s not a happy place. I know what will happen if they ever escape my control. And I fight every day to make sure that day does not come.
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105 days ago
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Me and Salvatore - a short...Medium...LONG story. (Part IV)
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Gathering up my bags I went to go stand in the back of the line, while inside I was kicking myself. I thought that in my hubris, thinking that I would get him to sign all of my books if I was last in line and didn’t hold up anyone else, I was going to miss my opportunity to get any of them signed. It was nearing 6:00 and the end of the signing and I had just made it in the door, when a helpful customer service representative came up to me and asked me if I wanted Salvatore to sign anything special in my book or just his name. Slightly confused I asked her what she meant. To which she responded that it was faster if she gave me a post-it note with what I wanted signed on it so that he could just pick up the book and begin signing without having to ask first. Numbly I responded, “ummmm, Jeff?” With a smile she wrote Jeff on a sticky note and stuck it to the book that I was holding (and still reading by the way as I stood in line). As she turned away to the next person who had entered the line behind me she did a double take, noticing that I was already close to halfway done with the book. “Wow,” she said, “You’re going to be finished before you get up there!” I just chuckled and said “I like to read”. Seeing her friendly expression I dared to ask the dreaded question…”So do you think we’ll make it to the front in time?”…and held my breath. “Oh yeah, he arrived a little late and he’s not going to just up and leave with people still standing here” My sigh of relief must have been audible to the entire store. With a smile she moved on and I went back to my book. After another ten minutes in line I realized my back was hurting again and with the comfort of knowing I would not be forgotten, that I would at least get my new book signed I stepped out of line and sat back down.
Keeping a close watch on the line I waited until only a half dozen or so people were left in line then got up and walked back over. Three people from the front, two more moved behind me in line. I graciously stepped back and allowed the newcomers to move ahead of me in the line. The helpful customer service representative looked at me quizzically. I just smiled and told her, “I wanted to see if he would sign my entire collection so I wanted to be last so I didn’t hold anyone up.” Again she looked at me quizzically “How many books do you have?” With a grin I opened my new book up to the page that lists all of the other books in the series. “I have the whole collection”. Eyes widening in amazement she glanced down at my backpacks. “Wow” was all she was able to say. With another grin I went back into my book. The next thing I knew it was my turn. Walking up to the counter I handed him my now half finished copy of The Orc King. As he opened it to sign I began the short speech I had been rehearsing in my head all day long. “Thank you, I have been a huge fan for over 15 years now and I was wondering if I could beg the indulgence of your signature on the rest of my collection?” I almost jumped for joy at his open and friendly expression. “Sure!” he replied, pull them out! So I began pulling out books two and three at a time and setting them on the table. As Salvatore begins signing madly a lady standing next to him said “Bob, just your signature, we’ve still got a plane to catch”. I just grinned madly, ecstatic that he was willing to sign all of my books. As I finished off the first bag setting them all on the table he exclaimed “Wow, is that a bag of holding you’ve got?” I just grinned again, “It feels that way sometimes”. Emptying out my other bag I began putting the signed books back into my first bag. I notice that she is becoming slightly agitated as he continues to sign away. Finally he finishes the last book and as I am putting it in my bag he extends his hand. Shaking it with a grin I thank him over and over for the signatures. He just smiles
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291 days ago
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